Monday, September 22, 2008

I am not my “to do” list ~or am I?


I fear for my life when the to do lists take over. Notice plural. I can’t live without them and I can barely live with them. Of course, there’s more than one. They grow, they multiply, they spawn themsleves into more, more, and more.  I write my lists to capture the stuff of life. I write them with ideas not to forget; a fleeting idea of which there are many. I write them for the cottage maintenance projects or new ideas for the corner garden I recently ripped out. It’s the chaos corner of the property planted with impossible roses.

Then there’s the food shopping, drugstore, drycleaner and hardware store lists. I wonder why I bother with the grocery store list. Right now I know I'm out of the basics, the emergnecy foods of eggs, cheese, a package of linguine and a can of clams. Often I forget to eat what I've bought. Or I've bought what I'm no longer in the mood for. When I'm feeling like nesting, I overbuy and then that idea goes away. In a moments notice, I don’t want to be home for dinner. I want to be out in the world. So why to have bothered with that list?

Jill Butler
Author, Illustrator
Create the Space You Deserve
An Artistic Journey to Expressing
Yourself Through Your Home
www.jillbutler.com

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Just for the Record

The running conversations running in my head. They're the unsolved ones that won’t go away because it’s easier to hold on to the comfort of 'my point of view', and 'to be right' as I’m "feeling wronged", misunderstood, and certainly unappreciated.

How to get to the high road...not to keep massaging the same old, same old, same old?
It's the sad, blaming, what about me record that migrants into every corner and crevice.

So I've decided to cut a new record and by doing so to set the record straight. My new tune is to say what I mean and to mean what I say. I'm practicing standing up for myself in all of my relationships. And I'm noticing what's happening. I'm being clearer in all the areas of my life. I'm even asking the difficult questions I have feared to ask. The great thing is everything starts to feel cleaner, direct, and transparent without hestation or couching. There are no broken records. New songs are being sung and recalibrated relationshps are being created daily and they feel just right.

Jill Butler
www.jillbutler.com
author/ Illustrator
Create the Space You Deserve
plus three illustrated France travel guides

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Putttering around........


Puttering...puttering around, a round of golf? I can do that. I've got the natural swing, the big boomer, the slice and dice, and the hook. Golf is God's invention, I've thought so for a very long time. It's his idea of humbling us, putting us to task around patience, acceptance of our less than perfect performance, and our acceptance of others, even of those with bad manners on the links.

God plays nearly perfect golf. How dare He? He plays at will. He plays in paradise where there's sun everyday, the greens are in perfect condition and watered nightly when he remembers to turn on the big spigot in the sky. His golf clubs are clean and at the ready. Partners show up one at a time or in threesomes to complete the foursome. There's no reserving when you're playing with God. Tee time is in his time. Our job is to show up; play like we mean it, work at it daily, breathe deeply, ask for forgiveness when we curse ourselves for a lousy shot, keep our eye on the ball at all times, and remember to replace our divots.

Jill Butler
www.jillbutler.com
author/ Illustrator
Create the Space You Deserve
plus three illustrated France travel guides

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

there's still time to garden

My yard, I call it my garden like the french, le jardin, which is all of it, not just the flower or vegetable beds. Today, this gorgeous late afternoon fall day I gardened. I start where I'm lead.  It's not conscious, more intuitive.  

I'm in awe of the enormity of a single unit of crab grass. It's impressive. Sadly, I must ask them to leave areas that are not appropriate for them to be spreading their wings.  As I pull them out, I marvel.  What creatures they are. 

I've taken time to pull out a rose bed that's not working.  I'm considering what wants to live here next.  Perhaps this will be my last project for this season before putting the garden to bed for the winter. I am satistfied just to pull weeds and to say hello. We have reconnected and I feel good for having done so.

Jill Butler
www.jillbutler.com
author/ Illustrator
Create the Space You Deserve
plus three illustrated France travel guides

Monday, September 8, 2008

When the guy goes away


There's a void...the void...a black hole. This time the blackhole is not the closet filled with the unknown. This time it's the black hole of emptiness, and missing. Someone, something is missing. It didn't take long for the patterns, habits, the early beginnings of a relationship to develop.  One was the early ‘good morning’ call followed by the late in the afternoon call that was a real conversation. That's what I miss. These calls bookmarked the day. Now they're not there, the guy or the ‘good morning’.  Do I miss him? Of course. Will I survive?  That's not the question.

What's to replace the ‘good morning’ call? Replacing isn't the question either. The issue is to understand what happened; how did we get here?  My idea is not to fill-up with just "whatever". First I dislike the "whatever". It's lazy and unconsidered. I swim, I write, I meditate, I enjoy my home. I reconnect with my world. I get back to drawing. Drawing is a more difficult exercise to get back to. It requires time and intention to do so. It is a place to put the unknown. The future what?  It's another place to go to explore with intention, without blame, or disappointment.

Life goes on even when it hurts and there's a gaping hole. I have room to do the things that got set aside  I rearrange the molecules.  And I still wake up in the morning and know that the phone isn't ringing....until it is again!

Jill Butler
author, illustrator
Create The Space You Deserve
www.jillbutler.com